Yeah dude, sorry I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about the death choir again.
Stay with me. This would, of course, be an organized ring of people around the field, court, rink, etc. We would (obviously) want to represent mystic extremists from all walks of life, for inclusivity’s sake. I’m thinkin’ we start with the big three: prehistoric shamans, 18th-century witch doctors, and crystal girls from a thousand-dollar healing retreat in palm desert.
And this isn’t like a “ladies and gentlemen, please rise and remove your hats as we pay respect to our religious ancestors” type of thing. The only way this works is if we truly let them go apeshit. The shamans are rabidly praying to who we can only assume are some long-forgotten pantheon of pagan gods. The witch doctors have been leaning pretty heavily into the dark arts, which we’ll keep an eye on (but it seems fine for now). The crystal girls are chanting violently in extinct languages.
This would add some real stakes to the game, not to mention being culturally educational.
And I know what you’re thinking: Brian. Darling. Won’t this death choir inevitably get banned because it’s distracting too many of the fans from the actual sports going on? The answer is yes! Not to mention there were those fans who went home from the super bowl with persistent visions of The Manifestation.
Naturally, this would all create a massive political firestorm, as various religious groups are sucked into the drama and forced to either support the “Ringside Heretics” (as the mainstream media now calls them) or…. what was the alternative? Wade into the conversation about the perils of organized religion to stay in good graces with the public at large? Who, by the way, is way more divided about this than you’d think.
You have the christian church, which would of course blindly throw its full support to the shamans without realizing that’s more of an eastern sort of thing. By the time they figure out they’re most closely related to the witch doctors, it’s too late. They’ve committed to the bit (kind of their whole thing), and now they just have to support this vaguely indigenous religion… indefinitely? Sundays become a deeply confusing day for two-thirds of the entire world.
You have the far left, whose stance was perpetually unclear and whose voice almost immediately collapses in on itself due to constant infighting.
You have the far right who started blaming this whole thing on all muslim people(?) They are basically dismissed from the national conversation before they can enter.
The internet crystal community is in shambles. Sign readings everywhere have taken on sinister and prophetic undertones. And there are emerging reports of a new influencer going viral with millennial college dropouts (some fucking libra named Mother Oblivion).
Then you have the sports fans themselves, who are honestly kind of the real victims here. They really just wanted to get back to doing what they do best. Watchin’ sports, rooting for sports teams, talking about sports fun facts together.
This lasts for about two years or so, with occasionally entertaining side-dramas unfolding (like the memes that came out of the “Free-Cthulu” protests in Portland) but for the most part, the whole thing kind of just runs out of steam the way these things tend to do. The charm had worn off ever since the all-american crisis-trifecta of rage/religion/recreation hit its fever pitch in month 4, when Apple added a black snake to its logo in a move many interpreted as support for the witch doctors.
Ever since, it just felt a little forced, to be honest. I don’t know.
The consequences of “forsake-gate” were far-reaching, if not profound. The church, having accidentally achieved a spiritual convergence with Buddhism, kicks off an entirely new interfaith dialogue that transcends linguistic, geographic, and cultural boundaries. Organized religion becomes a much more accepting and much less destructive practice.
The far left rallies, and the podcast industry booms even harder. Tumblr returns to mainstream popularity.
The far right still thinks the muslims did it. Nobody knows which part they’re talking about.
The crystal girl community went completely dark once they fell out of the news cycle. Although, there have been rumors of lingering scents of sage in the air around southern california and some sort of deep guttural howling coming from the coachella valley.
For sports fans, this whole thing has actually been a really healing experience that brought unexpected clarity to their lives. It created a national “watercooler” moment they didn’t know they needed. Past rivalries vanish overnight. Football and soccer finally bury the hatchet and agree to both share the name “fuotboll.” Hockey fans are finally allowed to talk with everyone else in the room. Just a very healing experience all around.
They all get along so well that eventually everyone sort of loses interest in competing in any sport whatsoever. Video games become even more popular and socially accepted.
When it’s all said and done…
(Play What I’ve Done by Linkin Park here, for the best experience)
The pope of the catholic church and the commissioner of the nfl, roger goodell, attend a fundraising event. Together they announce a new religion called God Ball and it’s exactly as fucking awesome as it sounds. The journalists and general press in front of the stage erupt into a frenzy of questions, flashing cameras, and panic.
As they’re escorted off stage by their respective security teams amidst the chaos, the pope and roger goodell turn around, share a knowing look… and an almost imperceptible nod.